Slept a crazy amount of hours today with the seroquel and then some Klonapin. Once again though, after the sleepiness wore off, I feel high as a kite and I’m not sure my sleep is going to recover tonight (I could be 100% wrong though). I know I am having loads of psychotic thoughts that I haven’t admitted to anyone, and I’m not sure if I should tell my pdoc or just ride the wave since she already made med changes. I think I might also text my t tomorrow to see if she can get me in on mon instead of tues, if I decide to talk to her about it that is. Most of the thoughts that I am having I can fight. I tried to telepathically transport to Hollywood and was unsuccessful and then later that same night, after it didn’t work, I decided I was going to buy a one way ticket there, knowing I would be cast in whatever I chose and make us millions and then my husband wouldn’t be mad. I had this thought most of the night while my husband was working and I built it up and built it up in my head but by the time my husband came home in the morning from work, fear and doubt took over. I’ve also been thinking aliens are taking over my body and some of my thoughts. I’ve been watching weird porn (that I would never ever watch of my own mind) because the (pardon the tmi) sexual pleasure and orgasm is indescribable. I know the desire and feeling is coming from sort of alien host. It’s been planting strange thoughts in my head too...weird things like wanting to lick my therapist and sometimes trying to dictate what I say.
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*****
Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now
Tori Amos ~ Crucify
Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder
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