Hi all.

I recently received an official diagnosis of Bipolar I, and I was prescribed Lamotrigine and Seroquel. I'm not sure if this will resonate with anyone here, but I haven't really been aware of my manic episodes until the last few months because I've been consciously keeping track of my moods. Is it normal to all of a sudden notice it? There's a voice in the back of my mind telling me I'm faking it, even though I experience such real symptoms that inhibit me so intensely.

Yesterday I was shoved by a stranger who was experiencing some form of psychotic break himself. He yelled, shoved, and tried to start something with me, and aside from yelling and cussing him out, I walked away without engaging in any kind of physical altercation. Fast-forward to later that evening, I suddenly burst into tears due to all kinds of trauma surrounding not being able to stand up for myself and not feeling safe as a child due to factors I won't get into at the moment. But then, I was suddenly filled with this rush of energy. I stayed up all night writing diatribes against the Catholic church on social media, and I found myself rereading the same paragraphs I had written, over and over again, my voice sorta shaky because my heart was racing so much. Then, I finally zonked myself out with some NyQuil because I knew I had to sleep. Slept for a couple hours, and then I got up and just continued to write and post things on social media, feeling really tired and burnt out but also high on that nervous energy. I was eventually able to sleep for a couple more hours, but now I've woken up and I feel so much guilt for having asserted myself, and man, it has just been a real rollercoaster these past 48 hours.

Maybe this all sounds familiar to some of you. I dunno why I'm on here, except that I just really want to hear from others who aren't gonna think I'm crazy, or too much. I'm scared to take the Seroquel my psych prescribed me, because I'm scared of the side-effects, but I've essentially already lost a day and a half to this episode. Ordinarily I would just smoke a ton of weed, but I've given that up in hopes of increasing the efficacy of my mood stabilizer, which hasn't even been titrated up to the full dose yet. Sorry about the scattered nature of my thoughts; it's hard to think super clearly at the moment.

Hope you're all having a good day.