I think i might have been hypomanic before march, but I told my therapist that between covid, losing my job, and the race stuff, I’ve been on such a low. Like so far down low. I’d rather not even say how bad I’ve been or was. My recent poetry even speaks to how low I’ve been.

Only past few days I’ve been picking up slight speed with getting things done again. Smoked a couple of cigarettes. Ugh I know.

Fiancé and I had one of the biggest fights we’ve ever had last night and I had a cigarette. From him. I don’t have any of my own.

Weirdly or surprisingly, IMO, we seem to be doing ok today. I told him things I haven’t told him about what I been dealing with since March and some things about my past. I opened up about my fear of men and specifically my fear of white men. After we fought with yelling for straight 30-45 min, we both had a cigarette and I did some post-crying.

we’ve never fought like that before. Most of our “fighting” is very passive, at least on his part. I have a good feeling that my mental health is affecting our relationship. I mean since I told him what was in my thoughts about that, and hearing it back to myself I started to realize that it’s not just him, it’s largely me. Not only that but this is the same stuff I fought my dad over when I was living with him. I have abandonment issues, but more like because I wasn’t spent time with as a kid like barely at all. My mom actively ignored me. So when people don’t spend time with me I feel like they don’t like me/love me. That’s why I think I call people so much. On the phone. I need to know they are still there for me. That and getting upset when people don’t want to hang out. I feel Ike I’m being abandoned.

My dad worked 3 jobs and my mom drank all the time. It’s a good thing I didn’t move out from his house solely based on wanting to spend more time with someone. I moved out for so many reasons, mostly my personal reasons for learning how to live independently.

But at this point, I need to address that in therapy.