Little bit depressed.

I keep focusing on how people do things or solve problems - How I lost so much time doing nothing. I'm not stupid but I acted stupid in the past.

I don't know why it took a psychedelic trip for me to finally be as aware as everyone else.

I never taught myself how to be independent. My ex step dad really damaged me.

The Abilify basically caused my dissociative persona. I feel worthless because everything I did or said didn't get recorded. I barely remember anything from my past.

I need a good antidepressant - But when I'm happy, I'm not that logical. I think I was depressed because I was so logical - Then I go to find out that being an atheist INTP isn't everything. I'm afraid of when people ask me to smile and I can't.

People seem to know what they're doing. I'm upset because of what my mom does - I'm scared to be independent though because she explains my mental illness really well and defends me.

The biggest problem for me is that I need constant reassurance. I don't trust my own thoughts and don't know who I am. I have a lot of apathy. Life isn't apathy in my own view.. It's being happy in a way.

I want to do things but there's so many things to do. I'm not good at anything. Just a little bit good in many things. I don't make sense to people because I'm confused - The people in the video chat judged me and gave me rules.

I know exactly what I should do but I just don't feel happy. I honestly feel really alone and sad. And I like sadness. I don't see the point in doing anything because we're all going to die. I want to have knowledge in everything and talk to people. My openness is so great that I'm interested in everything - Causing paralysis.

And I thought this was the way it's supposed to be now that I'm revived by psychedelics. I was the 1% that needed to trip the most - Everyone else can get by with their awareness of how they are. I was really broken. I just wrote a morbid prose about isolation and suicide.

I can't believe that I was soooo ****ing horrifically depressed.. And all the help I got. But it seems like that doesn't matter now that the world is on fire - Which makes me feel even more hopeless.

Another thing is that I'm extremely interested in even my own pain, struggles, awareness, perception, illness, - Everything. My mind is so wide open that it's like I'm God - Creating reality and being interested as hell in it.

But there's so much that I can do that it's overwhelming - And everyone knows this yet does it. I DID NOT know that everything is as connected as it is.. People get a job, quit, try to be happy, leave something unfinished. I thought there was no God.. Now I know that it it's unknown and we're supposed to not know. We're not supposed to know the complete truth - Yet we can pretend, do things.. But what's the point for me when my life is the way that it is and what happened?... I know what I should do.

Basically this reply is meaningless. Things trigger me like my step dads depressive gaslighting.. I hate him so much. And I get some of my energy from him. I just want to punch him right in the face - I really wish I could. The first time I did it, it wasn't hard enough.

I listen to music, and there's so much music to listen to. Technology is like a psychedelic trip rabbit hole that we can go into.. Same with life and the world. Do you think we'll ever be able to watch all the YouTube videos there is?

I want people to feel happy - Yet there's yin yang and life has to be the way it is just because that's how it works. I can't save the world because I realize that I don't want to.. There has to be a variety of things or else life wouldn't be as great as it is... And that's why people put faith in reincarnation.. Because it's true.. I know that there's souls and unexplained astral projections happening every second.. One person dying and being born every second. It's madness.

And we're all so delusional. I want people to explain what they mean and open up cuz there's such bad people. Not many people change their views so easily with new information.

I could read - But I need dopamine. I need a new environment. I don't have patience so I want to absorb information and understand as quickly as possible because I fear having no money or dying, not experiencing life good enough and regretting things.. Yet it has to be that way - It's all perspective.

I want to do so many things and a lot of people target me because they don't understand me like they "Don't know me" and it's ego empathy vampires. I absorb everyones energy. Sometimes I question whether or not I'm a good person but I know I am... And that's the problem. I feel stupid sometimes and that I'll never know - Or that it doesn't matter and to dooo thinggss.. Go to school - But I have to make the right decision in what can make me happy.

I mostly feel like I'm running out of time and need to rush everything. I try meditation but I can't relax - I get scared. I can't be in a quiet room.

I might go back to the psych ward in the independent living unit so my psychiatrist can treat me - But that's not what anyone else would do - I feel like that's wasting time or I shouldn't do that... That I shouldn't think I'm mentally ill and just live life - People say I'm not mentally ill because I'm too high functioning and "not crazy" so I believe them... All the things that sick people have said in the psych ward have made me sick even years after just because of a few sentences or words that they've said..

Sorry for the long reply.. I just want it to be sunny outside and to enjoy time without drama - Have good friends. I feel like people hate me - I'm not normal. I'm not neurotypical and find it hard to make friends cuz I'm smart or something - What ever that means.