Welcome downersgroup! I'm really glad you joined us here on PC's bipolar forum.

What you wrote absolutely resonates with me, and as bpcyclist wrote, I'm sure it does to many others, as well. Though I had some mighty severe episodes in my youth, I had no real clue what was happening to me then. Frankly, I almost regarded them as sorts of "brain flus", if that makes any sense. I didn't even accept my bipolar disorder diagnosis when I finally received it, officially, at age 32. I acknowledged depression and anxiety, but the hypomanias and manias I had, during my youth, I looked at as the "amazingly adventurous creative me", "justified frustrated or angry behavior", "young lady with joie de vivre and endless energy", and the like. It was only when I reached 34 and had my first hospitalization that I was more clued in to my mania as dysfunctional. An illness.

My ill mind, even after a point finally acknowledging mania, was able to still question it, or at least believe I could handle it on my own. That sometimes led to me quitting medications cold turkey (bad decisions). Was the whole "mania" I experienced just Oscar winning performances of an amazing actress? No. Thinking back carefully, after some time processing and accepting my illness, I realized such episodes were, indeed, dysfunctional behavior. The reactions I received from other people were justified, in most cases. My wildest behavior was not "normal". There were, indeed, many "Oh my! I was sick back then!" moments. Some realizations even made me grieve.

What you are doing with your mood charting is extremely helpful! Please keep that up and share all observations with your therapist and/or psychiatrist. It can help you better discover yourself, beyond bipolar illness, and help them treat you effectively. Back to grief, it's also important to know we can be adventurous, creative, and outgoing when not manic. Mania and depression do not define us. It's the knowing/learning of what the limits are that is so important. That insight helps to nip developing episodes in the bud, but not totally medicate ourselves away. It takes a while to learn these things. Patience is needed.

Different people do have different experiences with the same medication. We don't all get many (or sometimes even any) of the side effects listed. It's common to be scared away from a given medication because of horror stories from others, some of which are justified. Unfortunately, those who have positive experiences often say little. I love my Seroquel XR. It does more for me than any other single bipolar medication (moodstabilizer or antipsychotic). I do likely have some minor side effects from it, including heightened cholesterol, and sometimes higher triglycerides than I'd like, but no other significant ones. Proper eating and exercise would likely ease my metabolic issues. Those healthy habits are ones I need to develop more. My Seroquel XR is relatively weight neutral for me. It did give me a lot of sedation in the beginning, but over time that sedation eased. You won't know how it will affect you unless you try it, and give it a fair chance. You can't imagine how often medications are abandoned after only a week, only to be discovered, years later, as a best medication in the lot.