Is it possible to project and deflect without knowing you're doing it? For someone who has an extreme need to protect their image, does this need override their awareness that they're projecting/deflecting?

I was listening to my partner rant one early morning (girls were asleep). Most of what he said had zero accuracy and some distorted generalizations. The only truth I heard was about his awareness of me distancing myself from him. He says I really need to take a good look at my life because my need to have boundaries and privacy is skewed and uhealthy. Meanwhile, he's mentioned in the past about his dad having boundaries and control issues... but lets look at "my" past.

My past is the reason why I've opted to adopt the Attachment Parenting model. It's why I'm sensitively aware about treating our daughters equally (no favouritisms). It's why being mindful to their feelings and security is important. It's why setting personal boundaries are critical. I was born in a very religious town and so I've grown to me more conservative with how I present myself and my girls. That's ok, too.

I then had an appointment with a parenting specialist and told her all about my approaches and parenting styles, strategies used around privacy and boundaries, and issues my partner now has against me. Throughout our conversation, she kept saying things like, "you're spot on", "definitely appropriate", " I understand what you're saying", "It's good that you're ___" etc. She expressed no concern about my approaches and felt no need to rebook another appointment, unless a new topic of concern came up for me.

I later sent an email to my partner that listed 10 issues we discussed at the appointment which he's had issues with. His response to it was, "Ok." Go figure!! Now he doesn't think I suffer from a "mental health disorder", he doesn't think I'm "damaging his bond with our 3yr old", he doesn't think what I see with my own eyes is a result of my upbringing, and teaching personal boundaries is a good thing.. etc. Just like that.

Now it's as if nothing ever happened. He is being very supportive and tells me we can proceed exactly to what makes me "comfortable". He initially wanted me to move out and suffer financial crisis because of it, over a boundary concern I brought up. Now I'm the "love of his life" again.

When his emotions run high, he says things that are completely unfounded. Just a lot of blame to victimize himself with. These are the same stories he passes around, having people think I'm mentally ill, paranoid, controlling, and damaging to our daughters. When he's back at baseline, he no longer thinks in this way at all. I'm just trying to understand the extreme differences in stories. I get when we're upset, it's possible to overreact due to our emotions. For me though, my stories are still the same, whether I'm upset or not. I may overreact to a misunderstanding until it's clarified. But I don't change a scenario, altogether. It's confusing.

Now he's back to wanting physical contact and is pushing my comfort level. He knows this but says he no longer lies and is working on himself to be a "better person", so I need to "try", too.. lol

The only backup plan I have is to wait for a new unit since I've been on the internal list for a number of years. Unfortunately, the only movement here is if someone passes away. It's a great place to live in our very expensive city. This could take years.