isolating, confusing.

i witnessed some bad fights growing up. parents left often. i knew i was a disappointment & brought shame to my family. parenting was focused on my older brother. i was the cause of my parent's grief. i learned to stonewall like a pro from my father, who would shut down for days. it was a strict & controlling environment based on my father's ego...

altogether, not too bad, i was fed & clothed & i had a home in a safe neighborhood. i went to a good school & they supported me financially in college. i think there was a lot of emotional neglect though. i was basically fatherless after i turned 11. my mother spent most of her time screaming at me starting around middle school. she didn't know how to help me, and more often i was managing her emotions.

also, whether it's ultimately good or bad, they left me with a sense of snobbiness that i think has made my standards high. they needed me to be better than others because they themselves were at a disadvantage compared to people around us. i think maybe they were disrespected by people and i had to do what i could to help them out. i do have a chip on my shoulder and like to challenge myself (when i can get unstuck from my depressive abyss)

i don't feel emotional attachment to my family. i feel tired when i think of them. i have a lot of what i read are symptoms of emotional neglect: emptiness, no idea who i am, drifting through life. i feel like i don't have a lot of life skills that i need.