I think this really triggered something for me. As time passes, I find it extremely hard to stop myself from thinking about it and from getting angry with myself. I wish I could talk to T about it but I can’t bring myself to because I’d have to admit I was snooping and even though he knows I’m prone to investigate, I couldn’t admit to looking at his Facebook friend list. It would have been easier it I accidentally added him...at least that would have been easier to explain.

I can’t shake off the feeling that I’ve crossed a line and that it will have serious consequences, like he will somehow know about it and not want to work with me anymore. I know it was an accident and that logically it’s unlikely he will find out, but the irrational part of me feels like I deserve to be punished for doing this. I feel like I’m trying to cover up a murder or something.

I keep making up scenarios in my head, what he’ll say next session about it and what my defence will be. Play dumb, pretend his friend was in my “people you may know” list; cat sat on my keyboard etc. I had just managed to get my pandemic angst under control and this really derailed it. I don’t know how to calm down, I’ve been on edge all night and all of today. I know I’m overreacting, I just don’t know why. Maybe a deep fear that deep down I’m a terrible person who doesn’t deserve to have him in my life and sooner or later I will self-sabotage.

I’m sorry I keep posting about this, please feel free to ignore. It might just take me a while to accept the logic of it all and try let it go. I got my Facebook back and changed the settings so that it’s super private. Everything looks ok. I haven’t been blocked either by T or by his friend. I think everything is ok. I just don’t feel like everything is ok and I don’t know how how to get back on track. My friends keep reassuring me that nothing will come of it, that it’s actually a bit of a funny story, but I just can’t see it that way.