Hello! I'm fairly new here, and this is my first post haha. I'm a - nearly - 16 year old guy from Canada, and though I am going to therapy, I feel like I've been incorrectly evaluated. With Covid-19 and the lack of psychiatrists/mental health professionals in my area, it's practically impossible for me to get a second opinion. I'm jobless as well, and cannot afford therapy. I waited a good year and a half to get a one-time session with a psychiatrist who I believed misdiagnosed me, and now with my therapist, she just won't listen to my concerns. I'm afraid I might have BD(Bipolar Disorder; unsure I or II) though I don't have access to many health services where I'm from. Of course asking a forum of random people really isn't gonna help, but I want some advice from people struggling with the disorder, and if they can tell me if I should be worried about my symptoms, or if I'm just overthinking them. Even people experienced in BD I'd like to hear an opinion from, because at this point I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm gonna guess I've been experiencing symptoms since the beginning of 2019, though my memory is fairly bad, and only since March have I been documenting my moods and thoughts to judge for myself and bring to therapy for a professional to look at, though I haven't done that yet(I feel too judged by my therapist). I won't be getting into specifics with my own personal life, but in short I went through a period of time where I felt almost out of touch with myself/not in control. I managed to put myself in a group home, spiraled into risky behavior(Primarily sexual-wise and drug-wise)and just couldn't get back on track for a good two to three months. I felt unstoppable, and even as bad as it was, it was the best point of my life. I felt so on top of the world, I was away from my parents, I was so diligent in everything I did.. I was incredibly violent sure(I was suspended 4x from January-June, while having no previous history of violence before)but I never loved myself more. I was in a Grouphome from March 11th to April 18th, and after pulling another stunt, I was back in by May and out in August after everything had calmed down. During those times I was engaging in sexual activities with two random people, I was constantly spending all the money I had, I was ecstatic 24/7 and constantly taking risks.. I can't remember a lot of what I did or what I felt on a day to day basis, but during those days I was really convinced my life was completely amazing. That I couldn't go downhill. Prior to this point I was in a fairly dark place in contemplating suicide back in December/January, but everything just abruptly picked up. I had so many ideas(i.e my plan in calling the cops, exposing drug use in the home, gathering evidence in convicting them)and all of them worked. It completely destroyed the family and even now my relationship with my mother is poor, but I didn't care. In August things died down enough that I finally agreed to come home, and for the next following months, everything was fine.

Unlike the beginning of 2019 where my marks plummeted by 10-15%, I was back on track again by September. I was back into my academic classes and I was scoring 80's and above, and all in all I felt content. Not happy per say, but proud with where I was. Up until December I'd say I was alright, but that's when things started dropping. It got to the point where I agreed to start taking my antidepressants again(I refused to take them in the summer of 2019 after believing I was, "Cured" of all my ill thoughts), and right then, it felt like everything downspiraled. I can't remember why, but less than two weeks I stopped taking them, which surely wasn't enough time for them to set in but I just thought things were too pointless to even try. From March to now I've been limboing a lot between the highs and lows, and though they aren't as severe as 2019, I can't take it anymore. I had a job from October 2019 to just about last month, though after hitting an abrupt rock bottom with no meaning, I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't even get up to shower, and soon enough day after day was passing and I couldn't show up to work. Sure physically I could, but mentally? I was putting myself down everyday, and it got to the point where I couldn't even have a conversation without feeling strained. Blips like this appeared for 1-2 weeks at a time, and though I had the rare moment of hyperactivity(Excessively working out in the basement, feeling, "Wired" and getting 2-3 hours of sleep daily for close to a week, feeling excessively energetic and talkative, etc) they always followed with a severe drop. All of my days of finishing up my course portfolio in one night, editing for hours relentlessly, hyperfocusing on tasks and cleaning up the whole house just because I could.. Gone. It's so heavy and it begins with a small nagging feeling in my chest, and overtime, it just blossoms to something much more. I was stable for a good 3-4 weeks, but since Friday, I've been hit with another one of these episodes. It's gotten to the point where I'm contemplating self harm and suicide again, though I haven't relapsed since stopping in mid 2019. I bursted out in tears yesterday over being too inconsistent to possibly keep a job(which I abruptly quit during one of my deep drops), and as I thought about my interest in being a psychiatrist, I beat myself up to the point - mentally - that I just didn't see the need to even try anymore. Ever since Friday I've been hardly eating and I just can't stop all of these negative thoughts, and at this point, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I've tried to voice my concerns with my therapist, though I was told I meet the criteria for BPD. I was evaluated a bit over a month ago, but that personality disorder just doesn't fit me. I don't see things in black and white, I don't have a fear of abandonment, I don't self harm or binge eat.. I've tried to tell my therapist that my moods just seem to come out of nowhere or with very minor triggers, but she doesn't believe me. I've asked her to give me a second opinion, but she says she doesn't believe in labels. I'm scared that I'm gonna hurt myself or go through another erratic phase like I did in 2019, but I'm too afraid to say that to my therapist in case she sends me to a psychward. I know it may be irrational, but I have had periods of paranoid delusions where I assumed she was going to break into my house and take me there after my psychiatrist set her up just so I could tell her all my secrets so she could use it against me. If anyone needs more information on my moods(I have been recording it since March) I'd be happy to share it, but I just want someone experienced with the disorder to either tell me if I have it or tell me if I don't. No I'm not looking for a diagnosis - getting a diagnosis from a stranger off of one forum is a bit irrational - but I just want someone to tell me if I should be concerned with all of this. I've been overthinking 24/7 and though I limbo between thinking I have the disorder to being convinced I 100% don't have it, I just want a second opinion. I want an outsider's point of view about all of this.