That's the thing. My first hospitalization was when I was a senior in high school. I graduated high school and things got increasingly worse. I took almost full time hours at work and full time college... I switched schools and went to Cincinnati. Had a terrible episode and if things didn't happen the way they did I would probably be dead. I ended up in the hospital... for 2 weeks and then sent off to a homeless shelter because I refused to go home to my moms house because at the time he was mentally abuses and threaten to beat my ***. Then my ex's parents offered me to live with them. I eventually did. then after my mom seem to be more understanding I moved in with her... only on later that year my ex broke up with me. got on SSI and medicaid medicare.... After my ex broke up with me his and what was suppose to be my friend ended up stop taking to me and ended up hangout with my ex more and pretty much without inviting me to thing and such.

I just haven't had much opportunities besides online and people at the hospital to have much interaction with because things are bad. I'm not doing enough. I need to do this... I need to do that. I need to stop being a lazy ***** and do something with my life. I just want to die sometimes...but sometimes when things get too good it feels like it'll collapse and will go to hell. I dont want to feel like I did when I've been ghosted for talking about my family issues and that I was talking about suicide and that I'm a lost cause. Then there's other friends that ghosted too... I guess I'm not worth their time and energy.