Continued from this thread:

Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

I thought I'd start a new thread.

I cannot make any moves to end the marriage for at least 8 months, when I can gather the money to leave and move out.

He is on and off again abusive. There are many abusive elements going on that when added up, all point to a pattern of toxic and abusive behaviors that are impacting me most negatively, amounting to a deepening depression and deep unhappiness for me.

He yells at me on and off again and periodically, creating and escalating things into massive knock down drag out toxic and abusive (on his end) fights. He sometimes makes mean jokes at my expense, which are really put downs and cutting remarks disguised as "jokes". He used to blame me for anything and everything that went wrong. He's controlling. He's very defensive and cannot take any constructive feedback or criticism and if I do provide it, he feels the need to attack me or start a fight. He used to not be able to handle being "wrong" whatsoever (but that's improved), and he used to not apologize for any of his hurtful accusations, statements or remarks. He also doesn't take responsibility or ownership of any problems he exhibits, ie, having an anger and rage problem, for example.

Some things have improved over time, but for the last month and since the last time he yelled at me, I've been contemplating and seriously considering divorce.

But like I wrote above, I don't have the money saved to do anything drastic just yet, so I feel very stuck where I am for the next 8 months at least. Hence, my growing sense of uneasiness, depression and unhappiness.

There's a small, tiny part of me that also doesn't want to end things, and a part of me still loves parts of him, I suppose, but I've also been questioning whether I do truly still love him. When he's being loving, affectionate, sweet and kind, it's easy to fall back into feelings of love, but then he'll do something abusive, and I go back to hating him and wanting a divorce.

It's been a very up and down roller coaster ride in our marriage, with far too many fights.

Everything is weighing on me right now, and I feel the weight of all the toxic past and present behaviors towards me pulling me down into depression. I cannot relax. And I cannot feel much happiness right now.

I don't know how to cope while I make this most agonizing decision. And it IS agonizing.

Though he was 100% against couples therapy previously, our current agreement is that IF he yells at me again and loses his temper, we will go. Now he at least acknowledges that he does have a temper.

I don't have much hope for this relationship, however, and the majority of me (90%?) believes I will have to file for divorce, which saddens me enormously and crushes my heart.