Today’s session got away from me. R said that she had re-read the poem I sent her, and she had it on her phone.

‘I mentioned P’s idea of containment in the email – she used to think I could say to myself ‘I have an appointment with that on a particular day at a particular time’, and just not think about it.’ ‘Do you want to talk me through your writing?’ ‘What did you get from it?’ ‘What jumped out at me? The first line – ‘Crying brings me face to face with my brokenness’, and ‘I was not built to handle this.’ She went on to say that she felt my sense of overwhelm and fear. At that point, I dissolved. ‘Fear is a good word. If I say that this is work-related, there is an understanding that work is at the centre of a spider’s web that pulls on everything else?’ ‘Yes. Have you had another meeting?’ ‘Yesterday, where it was announced that we’ll be online in September, and ‘hopefully back in the building in the Spring.’ ‘That’s a long time. How was it conveyed to you?’ ‘Very…in a very matter of fact way.’ ‘I’m sorry, Lost. I know how much work means to you.’ ‘It shouldn’t be everything!’ I said, through a fresh flood of tears. ‘This isn’t a new thing – before the pandemic even existed, we spoke about your wanting to find other things. The state of the world now means that the one thing you rely on has been taken away. You’ve barely had time to process this, so it’s still shock. If you take away the one thing – anybody would struggle.’ ‘This shouldn’t mean so much. I don’t know anybody who is as emotionally attached to their job as I am.’ Before I said that, I talked about ‘Friends…people I know socially…that is what socially means.’ I continued. ‘There wasn’t even a discussion. I feel like they have just rolled over. The last time I just rolled over, I came close to not getting up again…and I can’t go back there.’ More tears. ‘Stability should not depend on tenuous things.’ ‘Shouldn’t? I can’t think of a single thing that stays the same forever. What I hear you saying is a dangerous slope towards ‘I’m never going to allow myself to be invested in anything again.’

I stopped myself saying it out loud, but the thought that ran through my head was ‘People die, get taken away or turn out to be assholes.’

R admitted that she felt helpless, being far away. She said that she wanted to read something to me, and read a passage on hope that she offered to email. ‘I’m not sure you’re in a space for it at the moment, but I wanted to offer it.’ For some reason, I dissolved again. R urged me not to beat myself up about it after session. ‘I hate being Soluble Lost.’ ‘Maybe that is where the work is – accepting yourself and your feelings in this moment.’ R asked whether I had anyone else I could talk to, to ensure my safety after today’s session, and urged me not to give work all the credit. ‘Was it a spider’s web you mentioned earlier? You are the most important thing in your life.’ She had noticed the change in me since getting the job, though.

This week’s breathing exercise was a combination breathing and safe place exercise. We were to have a break next week, but R offered a session next Wednesday afternoon.