i just realized something

my parents put so much responsibliity on my for keeping my father happy, for keeping everyone we knew happy. my mother would always say i would be responsible for his early death. and she always said she wanted to kill herself over how i'm a failure. i'm convince she got sick bc of me. my father would also have days-week long stonewalling/self injurious periods.

anyway, i realized that makes me not ever want a relationship. i don't want that kind of responsibility ever again. if i mess up it's my fault. maybe that's why i keep my distance. i got to take care of myself first of all.

what brought this on?

i happened to look at the calendar and saw fathers day is on sunday. i feel sick

i realized my parents are backwards. they don't know anything. maybe i should forgive them. i feel so sick