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Originally Posted by nicoleflynn
I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse. It is usually NOT a good idea to go to couples counseling....the abuser needs to get counseling for their issues, before couples counseling is indicated. I wasn't aware of that, and we went as a couple...it was a disaster. One thing that is helpful is to stop responding to abuse....abusers are emotional vampires;; they want and need you to keep explaining yourself. ...it never ends. They are excruciatingly insecure. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. Even tho you don't have the money yet, you can see an attorney....consultations are usually free; making that first small step give you information and helps you feel a little better. Love and hugs, you can pm me if you like.
Remember that abusers don't LOSE their tempers...they CHOOSE their behavior; usually abusers only do it to someone behind closed doors
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Aw, thank you.
I may just take you up on your offer. I know you write a lot on here about that book which really helped you.
My thought is individual counseling for him will do ZERO good for him, and in fact, could have the opposite effect. He is in total denial that he has a problem, and of course, would NEVER EVER admit to being abusive. He thinks of himself as a totally loving person. Only just recently did he admit that maybe he has a temper, because I put my foot down, drew a line, and insisted he does.
IF we ever did make it to couples counseling, I FULLY believe he would try to deflect all the issues away from himself, and try to blame ME for all the issues. I don't have the patience for someone who is going to not take any responsibility, deflect blame, and blame me instead. And that's what I predict would happen in therapy, because it's exactly how he's behaved with me all this time. Deflect, deflect, deflect, and blame.
So I don't think counseling would do any good, unless the therapist is really astute to abuse tactics, sees him for who he is, calls him out on it and doesn't let him manipulate and twist the issues around.