I had more dreams of divorce. This is becoming very real to me.

I don't know how this is going to play itself out.

The majority of me wants to save the money I need over the next 8-10 months, then one day announce I am unhappy, I am leaving him, I am moving out and I am divorcing him.

Until then, I just want peace. I don't want any more fighting or any more shake ups. And IF he yells again between now and then? Then I have an open door to go to couples therapy.

The majority of me believes couples counseling won't accomplish a damned thing. He is SO defensive, he deflects all responsibility onto me, and he won't acknowledge his problems and issues.... I don't want to battle with all that -- it is SO toxic. Not to mention it's very demeaning that I have to defend myself against his false accusations. I just don't see couples counseling going well at all. In fact, I see it as being disastrous. And I see him trying to manipulate the therapist to believe HIS side, and NOT mine.

And once all that happens? Or even BEGINS to happen in a therapist's office? I will announce that I am divorcing him. And then I will not be ready financially to leave him.

This is probably also why I am resisting therapy myself. I am not up for the battle that I know would occur.