I went completely alcohol free for most of four years after my first hospitalization, and attended at least 1,000 AA meetings during that time. I only say "most of" because I had maybe 6 to 8 "slips" that would only be one-timers (meaning one sitting), but they were terribly horrible, with blackouts and other bad stuff. I was very sick during that period and falling back on my lifetime 1st choice of self-medication was easy.

I know that drinking, even far lesser amounts than at my worst, does affect my moods negatively. However, I won't lie and say I don't have a drink with lunch and/or dinner many days. It's a long story to describe my phases with post bipolar dx drinking. I'll just say that I don't seem to be a bona fide alcoholic, but I sure as heck can easily start abusing it again if my bipolar is out of control. Some could say that the mere fact that I have a mental illness and take medications, should mean that ANY alcohol is abuse, in a sense. I actually agree with this. Maybe I am "abusing alcohol" even drinking far less than I used to. Drinking any, at all!

I grieved the loss of alcohol in my life for those four years, for sure. That's probably part of why I've allowed myself a drink or two since then. However, nowadays, I am able to happily stop at that drink or two. That wasn't the case in the past. Does that drink or two make a difference in preventing long-term recovery for me? Maybe.

I may sound like a kid making excuses here. The word "but" is what I wanted to add after that. My husband is a European. We may move to either Czech Republic or France. The temptation to drink in those countries is very high. I am quite concerned about that fact. It is unfortunate that I like good wines, excellent beers, and the occasional harder quality drink (Cognac, port wine). I don't want to drink to get drunk, nowadays. My problem, recently, is more liking to drink for what it adds to my culinary experience. I consider myself to be a gourmande of sorts, in the French sense (not Mr. Creosote), and gourmet cooking is a major hobby of mine. But again, that could morph into a desire to self-medicate.