Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdDancer
I went completely alcohol free for most of four years after my first hospitalization, and attended at least 1,000 AA meetings during that time. I only say "most of" because I had maybe 6 to 8 "slips" that would only be one-timers (meaning one sitting), but they were terribly horrible, with blackouts and other bad stuff. I was very sick during that period and falling back on my lifetime 1st choice of self-medication was easy.
I know that drinking, even far lesser amounts than at my worst, does affect my moods negatively. However, I won't lie and say I don't have a drink with lunch and/or dinner many days. It's a long story to describe my phases with post bipolar dx drinking. I'll just say that I don't seem to be a bona fide alcoholic, but I sure as heck can easily start abusing it again if my bipolar is out of control. Some could say that the mere fact that I have a mental illness and take medications, should mean that ANY alcohol is abuse, in a sense. I actually agree with this. Maybe I am "abusing alcohol" even drinking far less than I used to. Drinking any, at all!
I grieved the loss of alcohol in my life for those four years, for sure. That's probably part of why I've allowed myself a drink or two since then. However, nowadays, I am able to happily stop at that drink or two. That wasn't the case in the past. Does that drink or two make a difference in preventing long-term recovery for me? Maybe.
I may sound like a kid making excuses here. The word "but" is what I wanted to add after that. My husband is a European. We may move to either Czech Republic or France. The temptation to drink in those countries is very high. I am quite concerned about that fact. It is unfortunate that I like good wines, excellent beers, and the occasional harder quality drink (Cognac, port wine). I don't want to drink to get drunk, nowadays. My problem, recently, is more liking to drink for what it adds to my culinary experience. I consider myself to be a gourmande, of sorts, and gourmet cooking is a major hobby of mine. But again, that could morph into a desire to self-medicate.
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I really, really relate to a lot of this. When I was traveling 150,000 miles a year, I would find myself at dinner with a bunch of fun and lovely people in Milan or Paris or wherever and it was too easy to have another glass of wine. Or two. Or maybe three. You get the idea.
There is this whole thing that people who travel for a living describe about the sense of kind of being almost another person, almost having a different identity, maybe, when they are on the road. So, some people choose to cheat on spouses. Some party super hard. Whatever. I do admit that I think I did experience this disconnection from my home and my true, grounded self during all my travels. It is easy to be swept away by the majesty of London on a lovely July evening with delightful people in a fabulous restaurant. Too easy. So, I get it. I do.
Unfortunately, I have bipolar disorder and my mental health depends on being regimented and strict in schedule and that travel and those dinners ultimately helped do me in.