There is only a way to describe what happened to my life in the last three years. I say it to myself every morning while hiding in the bed in darkness: "something between grotesque and non-sense sadness"
Sorry for the drama

It started in 2017, in a moment where I should have been in control of myself, since I had enough life experience behind me. I had already experienced depression and losses and had finally some maturity in my by bag
...but.

I met a guy and fell in love, but was scared and lost him in a non-sense way
It continued going down and "ended" with the death of my father to co-vid this year in April . I couldn't even say goodbye to him; it was sudden

I've been unemployed ("i used to be a regular worker earlier... what have i done with my life?") all the time
-i'm a woman in her early thirties.must say it

I feel I've been abandoned by my therapist in a delicate moment; but more than one factor were involved all along
And I can't blame anyone except my own broken head

As the time was passing ("how could have been more than two years with no reaction?") I couldn't move and was alone shutted in the house most of the time

Last year I tried to fix what happened with that person; he rejected me because of my visible instability and the fact that I wasn't even able to say sorry in a normal way. I have difficult explaining this part. I met him in a catatonic state
I suffered for post-traumatic stress and he probably did too, but we remain distant and never text each other again
I was feeling dead and experiencing a physical pain: couldn't sleep, head hurting

I contacted a terapist in a not enough visible desperate mode to explain the situation
I had an urgent need to talk to him but i didn't know how anymore
I was feeling ignore by everyone and I possibly had a climax of psychotic state

A year has passed since the last time I saw him
Not a text, just a non-sense suffering, silence and emptiness. I was letting myself go and trying to ease the pain with sleep

At first (2017) I couldn't see it coming, then when I lost him I remained paralyzed

I currently still suffer from post traumatic stress and found relief in sleep and fantasies that this never happened
I wish i could open my eyes in 2017 and restart from there.
It was a total dark non-sense