The phone call helped a little. She helped me ground myself a little, and we came up with things to do to calm my nervous system tonight. Wish it would have worked better because I'm nauseous again, and now have a migraine. I was supposed to go to bed early. That clearly didn't happen.

I still am not sure if I feel safe any longer with her. She let me sit in silence for what felt like 5 mins! She says it was 20 secs. It was forever. My mind quickly went deep into negative thoughts and there was no one there on the other side. She just sat there looking at me! She knows how much I hate silence. I told her that in the beginning. She said she didn't know what to do in that moment because every time she said something it made me pull away more. That doesn't mean give up and go to silence!

I'm so so depressed that now I won't get to be with her for another 4 weeks. This is torture. It's like I can't just be. I have to use my 2 hours a week to the best of my ability or else, poof, time is gone and I'm alone again. And this time I didn't get to soak in her presence and warmth. I don't have the experience to hold onto. All I have is a stupid video call on Wednesday. Yay!!! (Not.)