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Old Jun 20, 2020, 11:37 AM
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bpcyclist bpcyclist is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Portland
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluebicycle View Post
I feel like total s***, but at least I dragged my @ss to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. If I didn't go today, I would run out by tomorrow morning (since I take some pills 2x a day), so I guess I didn't have much of a choice unless I want to spend a long time wallowing in my own misery because of a lack of meds.

I do not foresee myself getting better anytime soon, unfortunately. I am deep into this depression and now I am starting to feel guilty about not going bike riding with my parents this morning. I was too depressed to go today, so I lied and said that I was doing some work on my bikes. But now they want to go again, tomorrow, on Father's Day. I hope the temperature is really hot again so that I can say it's too hot for me to go, or something stupid like that. I just need an excuse. Pathetic, I know, but I have tried doing exercise when heavily depressed and I usually end up stopping and sitting down somewhere because I want to cry (although I am too depressed to cry right now, but that could change). So I don't want to ruin their experience. I already almost ruined the weekend when we went kayaking a few years back, but thankfully, they didn't notice my deep, dark feelings. I did a good job of faking being happy, but I do not think I could do it again. It wears on me and I just feel worse afterwards.
I am so sorry, blue. I relate so strongly to everything you just wrote. I have spent more total years of my bp 1 in this state you describe than any other. I will say, it may be worth considering going on the bike just yourself, without the pressure of having to look good for anyone. You probably would get some mood benefit from it. As I have said, my ex used to force me to go running with her, because she knew it would help me, God bless her. It always did, even though I could not have wanted to run any less at those times.

Do you like animals or nature? Lots of cheery video on youtube that do not require any physical exertion that might make you feel a bit better. For me, rescue videos like Hope For Paws and cute baby/toddler videos always make me feel good for a little while, even if I am depressed.

Hope you feel better today. This will pass. Do not give up. It is a temporary state, it is just that your brain is making it hard for you to see that fact. Hang in there!!
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