I think since you were married before and took care of your late wife, you actually are a kind loving person. I think loneliness and bad luck with ladies made you bitter (it’s not uncommon, ton of women who have hard time finding a nice man believe that every man is a jerk). Don’t let this anger ruin your life. There’s help. Bereavement therapy even 5 years later or just therapy could really help. Don’t listen to angry you tube videos