Hello everyone,

Some of you guys might remember me. I haven't been around for a while.

I don't want to make this a religious post or anything - but I think God might be punishing me for boasting and showing off because I thought I received everything I ever wanted.

I wanted 4 things in life by the time I reached 40 - a wonderful job, a nice apartment, a brand new car, and an amazing husband and love of my life.

Up until a month ago, I thought I received all four things.

Then the pain happened, the destruction happened, the drugs happened and I am spiraling down a very dangerous rabbit hole with no way out and my wedding a month away.

All I am asking for is that you close your eyes and find me in your soul for a minute or two - I have always been deeply emotional and right now my heart is so broken and I feel I have no way out.

I wish when dreams came true they didn't come with a "punishment" clause in which you get everything you want in life but there is a price for it - the price being your heart and peace of mind. I don't know if its all the crap I've been through the past month or the depressive side of my bipolar that's coming out, but I feel an aching in my chest after sleeping for almost 36 hours because I just couldn't get out of bed.

This is the worst feeling in the world because just last year was my rollercoaster hospitalization and all I ever wanted was to be happy - then my happiness was granted but the price for it is my sanity.

I know this was a very ambiguous post, please forgive me for that - I don't want to get into specifics only because I don't know if it would be allowed by moderators.

All I ask is you close your eyes and virtually hold my hand right now because I could really use a friend and I have none right now, and I couldn't be more alone.