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Originally Posted by DarkDevil26
So I am already seeking help for my anxiety and my depression. Both of which have been deemed extremely severe by multiple therapists. I'm on medication and I found it's helped very little. The thing that gets me is more or less I want to talk to people but at the same time, I kinda don't put myself in the position to do so. Like I get so worked up around people I don't know and I get really nervous and I tend to keep to myself, headphones in, buried in phone. I know trial and error is what it takes to make friends and find romantic partners. Friends I have absolutely tried, succeeded in some, failed in some. When it comes to romantic partners I just have no idea how to even begin. I'm so inexperienced in that field of life that I just give up when I fail. It's hard and it's borderline humiliating. I also take rejection very poorly. I was recently rejected by my crush at work because she came out to me as lesbian. I was devastated. I was crying for 2 days straight, I became physically ill for the better part of 4 days, and the friendship with this girl just hasn't been the same since.
It's like I don't want to be hurt more than I already am. I have been through a lot in my life. I have been bullied, abused, made fun of by girls I have had crushes on in the past. I definitely feel the ripple affects of those horrible high school years to this day. It impacts to way I act around other people, how I view the world, etc. I get the trauma is a separate problem, however I feel because of my bad past, I feel I am the way I am when it comes to social interaction. I do know a lot of my bad self esteem problems come from being told I was fat, ugly, and that no girl would ever want me. It was drilled into my head constantly by my "friends."
So due to this past I have had, I feel its drastically altered my perception of the people I am surrounded by. Its almost that I hate them to a certain degree. I hate them because I'm jealous of them. I hate them because they are better looking, have social skills, and can relate to other people and not be awkward. The hatred runs so much deeper than that though. There are so many reasons I feel so much anger and hatred towards society. The way I was treated in the past, and my jealousy issues play a huge part in that. I want these feelings to go away so badly but until I fit in somewhere with someone, I just don't see it happening. Sadly, I don't see myself getting over the hump until either someone takes the initiative to become friends with me because I'm too afraid to do it myself, or better, I just get out of college. High school and college have both been horrible experiences for me and I just want school to come to an end.
Theres so much I want in life and I feel I have been working on myself for so long and getting no results. Maybe my best isn't good enough? I truly don't know. But my anger, hatred, hopelessness, helplessness, and my anxiety just worsen by the day. Putting myself in uncomfortable situations is clearly what i have to do. But I don't know where to start.
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You're very well-spoken (well-written?) here. That's a good start. Of course I am not girlfriend material, I am old enough to be your grandma. But, I've dated, gotten married and all that so I know a few things about romance and relationships. Not all people find college rewarding in a personal sense. Mine was only rewarding in the way I described to you--and that was just a few years ago. When I was young, college (when I went the first time) was miserable. So I get that. I was even told the same things you were when I was in high school; that I was unattractive, fat, a loser.
So. The thing about life is it is so incremental; and also the thing about the successes in life -- well you know they come about because people have connections and get a leg up that way; or they get 'lucky' in that they are in the right place at the right time (for whatever it is) or they work and work and work and work and gain success little by little. For me it was definitely going to be that last one--working and working and little by little but I am starting to run out of life--just stating a fact here for myself.
But you--well, you still have time. You know my friend with the anxiety (the beautiful one) she lamented to me just the other day "I'm going to be 30 soon". Here is what I told her: "The way I see it, you've only been an adult for 12 years." <--and that was being generous. 18 is still pretty much a teen, even if legally it is adult.
That young woman who came out to you? She thought enough of you to tell you something very personal. The way I see that--hmmm. Wonder if she has any straight young women she can introduce you to?
A couple of things come to mind. If you do not think your therapist or counselor is helping; please discuss that with them. Ask for different strategies, or the possibility of switching to another. I hope you are being forthright about your angry feelings--it's ok to tell that.
And if you think what you have done so far has not worked for you--how about choosing one or two things, and thinking of another strategy to see if that would work better?
You might laugh at this--go ahead. I told a friend of mine--and she laughed. I used to have math anxiety. I was in a math class and finally I thought -- "hey I am paying for this class" and the teacher seemed nice enough so I told him that. He did not laugh. In fact he kind of brightened up and he said "Really? Oh, you might want to look at this website, and you might want to read" (some article) "and if that does not help, let me know and I can come up with some others..." I did what he suggested. And it helped. Did it turn me into Einstein? Oh, heck no. But I stopped freezing like a deer in the headlights when I took a test.
If the medication isn't helping--you can tell your doctor and try another.
You don't say what you are doing about school now--is it in class or all online? I mean you might have to wait until the virus eases up before you can put all your strategies in place.
So how about this. Consider asking one of your friends if they know any nice single gals. And practice your pick up lines. "Would you like to get a coffee this afternoon?" is always a good one. You aren't proposing marriage. The person can say no without it being a big deal. And I assure you that many young people are not as experienced as they would like people to believe. The thing is--
it's always new with each person you romance anyway.
Another thing that might be helpful is to write down how you feel, what you feel. I used to do this. Have you thought of writing down what high school was like, then sealing those sheets of paper into an envelope, then putting that envelope at the back of your sock drawer? It's a symbolic way to close that chapter of your life. Then, on a new sheet of paper, write one good thing about yourself--write more if you like. Put that in your wallet. I had one little strip of paper on my work station right at eye level. I kept that there for years. I would read it and rub my finger over the words. You might not want your good words on display, so I suggested the wallet, but if you do; pin it up where you will see it every day.
Thank goodness we only have to be responsible for one day at a time, huh? I hope you do one good thing
for yourself today. And I hope tomorrow is better. Thanks for communicating with me. I was feeling pretty low. I feel better now. I hope this exchange has made you feel a little better too.