I went out of the state that I live in. It felt good to get away. But it was a distraction, and that's all. I am doing what I can to keep me out of the hospital, and I'll focus on doing things besides watching TV. I did get to direct the driver where to go, that got my focus on something else. I want to disappear still. I want my problems to disappear. But they won't. And I know that won't change unless I change. Change sucks. I know it will be good for me, but I am scared.

I'm crossing the river now, the clouds are gorgeous!! The way the light is hitting makes it look beautiful.

I'm trying to distract and not get sucked in to the pit of despair. There is always doubt. I know you trusted me to keep me safe, but I do use excuses to not call. And I haven't told you I do that. In the back of my mind I know I'll be safe, because I'm afraid of the pain. Yet I'm always afraid of the pain of life. I want change, but I want it to happen for me. Typing this hurts, emotionally.