I spent time with a girlfriend alone yesterday. She was married to a very abusive man whom she eventually divorced.. She is amazing and someone I look up to. She’s 70 years old but you would never know it. She’s full of life, energized and a real pistol. Point being, she’s very astute to abuse tactics herself. She’s been talking with me on the phone about my marriage for the last year. She warned me I will have moments where I will question myself, especially when things are nice and smooth between us and when he’s being his nice loving self.

Well, this is one of those moments. We haven’t had an issue in a week. We just dropped by my parents’ home to wish my father a happy Father’s Day. And last night we were at a friend’s house with a bunch of people and I felt awful about the whole thing.

I feel sooo guilty right now for my secret thoughts and plan to divorce, and I am questioning myself. Like, is he really that bad? Right now he’s not.

But the moment he is bad again, I believe 100% in my mind and heart that I want to divorce him.

I hate this. Why did I ever get married in the first place. I wouldn’t be in this position had I just dated him and didn’t get married. My mother says she wished I had just held off. But he was pushing for it with me, and I was too weakened to say no.

Ugh. I need strength. It felt empowering to be with my girlfriend, who is a very strong empowered woman. She wants to see me free of this.