Hi there, I joined here to ask for some advice, i hope that's okay. I'll keep it simple, I've had ongoing issues with my boyfriend and our sex life for 2 years now. I am 25 and he is 27. We have been together for 4 years, living together for 2. I have tried to talk to him numerous times but he shuts down and victimises himself if I confront him. Basically I have the higher sex drive and need more sex. Once a week would make me so much happier, I honestly don't think this is unreasonable. I've had a little look at partners that shut down when confronted with a problem so I am thinking of how else I can get through to him without him stonewalling me. I cant cope with pushing this under the rug any longer, I absolutely adore this man, but our lack of emotional and sexual time together partnered with refusal to discuss the problem or anything sexual is frustrating me to the point of resentment Hes made passing comments before about how "all I want is sex" which really hurt me because I'm here for the emotional connection and bonding that sex brings.

I wrote down my feelings this morning as my frustration bubbled over again, I'm considering showing it to him because I can tell he cant deal when I start to cry - which ofc I do as this is so prolonged and close to my heart. I was wondering if you lovely humans could give it a read and honestly tell me if I'm being unreasonable. I can change if needed, I'm just so sick of feeling so emotionally hurt from the dead bedroom.

Here are my thoughts, I tried to be as fair as possible:

I'm not sure how else to put my frustration into words you can empathize with, I have expressed myself in a soft way to spare your feelings before, we have had discussions where I do most of the talking and you shut down. You have acknowledged that you shut down on the spot but do not bring up any issues I want to talk about when you are ready. Our problems are either downplayed or swept under the rug until I get to bursting point, they dont go away when we leave it, they just pile up. When I do get to bursting point, you make me feel ashamed and a burden for crying, do you not understand I cant put this on as an act, this is genuine overflowing emotional pain for me. When you ignore me it crushes me, it shows me you dont care. We have gotten nowhere in the two years I have expressed this problem with you, so I'm going to be blunt.

I need more sex. Our sex life, an important part of every sexual relationship, is not satisfactory to my needs. This is not a jab at your sexual skill by any means, so do not take it as such. If I didnt enjoy sex with you I wouldn't be so bothered about the lack of it. From the beginning of our relationship I have not shied away from sexual encounters and have always been enthusiastic about sharing the experience with you. I could say on the other hand, recently you consistently shut down anything I try to get a sexual mood going, I really don't know how else to see it when you simply sidestep any messages I send that might be alluring. I need sex multiple times a month at bare minimum, ideally once or twice a week but once a week is not unreasonable in my opinion. When we fail to have sex for a prolonged amount of time while we dont do other romantic things leaves me incredibly frustrated. I have a lot of feelings of self doubt due to this, I worry that you are just not into me anymore and the sex we do have is because I initiated or you feel like you have to oblige.

You probably recognise this frustration as me bursting into tears seemingly at random, to me this is an overflow of the self doubt I've been having because I dont know how to get through to you. I'm tired of feeling rejected and I'm tired of this comatose bedroom. I would feel more at ease if we could at least TALK about it. What's going on in your head? What are you thinking? When are you horny? What turns you on? What can I do to get you in the mood? If there is something keeping you from sex, tell me so I can understand. I dont care how ugly or hurtful you think it is, I cannot cope with being stonewalled anymore.

If you dont talk to me about our sex life, I cant keep up this charade, its emotionally draining and not healthy for me. I will not continue to ignore this problem, I need to consider my own mental health and how this is contributing to it.

Heres some things I want you to know from my perspective:
• I do not see sex as dirty not do I view people with high libidos as dirty. We want emotional connection and release with another person. I want that with you.
• I do not see people with low sex drives in a negative light, but I expect you to share how you're feeling about it with me.
• There must be compromise and discussion if our sex drives dont match up. It's not fair for one half of us to be fine and the other half to be constantly struggling.
• There has to be equal initiation & enthusiasm, not just for sex, but any romantic couple behaviours. I feel it's always me asking to do things with you, while you're more excited about planning league matches and bike rides. Where do I fit in?
• We cannot move past this without acknowledging things on both our sides and actually share things with each other.
• You make a point about me crying every single time, yet I try to get my point across regardless of tears. When you shut down, nothing is said.
• If we cannot openly talk about our sex life, 4 and a half years into knowing each other, I believe we genuinely need to see a couples therapist/counsellor to have a neutral third party who knows this stuff to mediate any discussion we have that might get heated or run off track - which they do run off track btw. It's very difficult to keep on topic with you, I have expressed this before to you and I mean it.
• I dont want to not be with you, but the emotional pain and frustration I face due to this ongoing problem is becoming too much for me to cope with.
• Lastly, I maturbate. Every single day. It doesnt really work and sometimes it makes me feel worse, but its the only type of release and sexual touch I get from someone. Often I masturbate in the morning if you've decided to get up, we could be together in bed but instead it's just me. Sometimes I masturbate in the bathroom at night because you've crawled into bed and passed out. I dont like doing it alone but I often feel it's that option or nothing at all.

Excuses I think should be discussed:

• "I'm too tired". While I fully understand that, with you being back at work and all, it's not an excuse. If you know you will be too tired at night, then suggest earlier, actually ask me. Would you trade your last game of league for some bonding time with your girlfriend at the end of the day? We can plan an evening where we spend some time together. Sex is bonding time and I feel we are drifting apart, there are other things we do during sex like laughing and even just looking into each others eyes that make me feel much closer to you. I always hope you feel the same way.
• "I am just a **** boyfriend". Try me again with this one, if you feel you are **** because of this, that's on YOU. I am clearly not trying to make you feel bad about this, I want to sort this issue so that we can both be happier. If you still feel you are a **** boyfriend consider why you feel this: 1. You intend to make me feel guilty for calling this out therefore you are victimising yourself and this is not fair. 2. You really do feel like this makes you a **** boyfriend and therefore dont want to talk about it. It wont go away if you ignore it. This is a terrible response to someone approaching you with a problem, would you tell your boss you're just a "**** employee" if they had a criticism about some of the work you had done?
• "You want sex too much". If you genuinely feel I want too much from you and you cannot or are unwilling to meet me in the middle, then I'm afraid we simply dont match up sexually. If that really is the case, the longer we drag this out the more painful it will be. I'm not ashamed of my sex drive and am not going to be made to feel like I'm too sexual. I am already making sacrifices for you by suppressing my own sex drive and partaking in only vanilla PIV sex. This might not sound like a big deal for you, but consider why, if you dont value sex the way I do then you're not going to see it as a big deal.