I'm enjoying the posts very much!
My dad, as a teen and a young adult was known as "the nicest guy" people had ever met. I have been told this throughout my entire life. My dad did have a good heart. He was incredibly funny and fun-loving. He loved to play with his children, all six of them. He'd give anyone in need the shirt off his back. As a young adult he became addicted to alcohol.
Possible trigger:
He had started to have episodes of seemingly uncontrollable rage. He'd become very abusive and violent. He had made several attempts at becoming sober. His period of sobriety would last 3 weeks at most and usually 7 days or thereabouts. He also had a mood disorder which went unrecognized and not treated. He was self-medicating with alcohol. In the beginning of drinking heavily in order to treat anxiety, depression, even hypomania, drinking might seem like a viable option. It's too easy to find a great friend in the bottle. Over time, the disease (alcoholism) progresses and betrays us.
His rages worsened and went untreated . He had eventually assaulted people which resulted in him spending time in jail. He could not stop the train headed for an eventual wreck.
I loved him very much and was very upset when I would watch him be arrested and knew he would spend time in the local jail. Sometimes, I was the one who called on him in order to save my mother and to stop the violence in our home. Even so, I would send him a card I had made and his favorite pajamas and robe by taxi, waiting for the day he would be released. The local jail was just 4 blocks away; it was difficult to not be able to visit him.
He'd be released, would be sober, would beg everyone for forgiveness, would talk of how much he had wished to be "normal." He was very ashamed of his behaviors He would be raging again that same night. I was afraid of him; yet also loved him deeply. I had continued to hope he would find a way to get the help he needed. He was very unwell, in many ways. His frustration with not being able to get a handle on himself, his deep sense of shame, his untreated mental illness, his very progressed alcoholism and all of the consequences thereof had eventually become more than he could bear. I was brokenhearted when he took his life.
Father's Day was always a tough one to get through. My friends would be doing something fun with their dads; my dad was either in a bar drinking, raging like a wild man at home or elsewhere, or was passed out. In time, he was gone.
Not only is this a true and a sad story, sharing this gives me the opportunity to let people know they are not alone if living with these types of challenges.
If you happen to resonate with any aspect of my story: you rage, you abuse others (and yourself) in word or in actions, you are self-medicating with alcohol or street drugs, your mental illness goes untreated, you feel suicidal -- You are not alone. You do have a opportunities to seek help and to turn your life around. You can choose to write some happier chapters in your life and in the lives of your loved ones. Reach out for support and secure the help you need.
If you have a loved one suffering from these types of addictions, unrecognized and untreated mental illness, raging, abuse in any of its forms, ongoing suicidal threats and other unhealthy, unstable behaviors, you may feel overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, angry, sad, even helpless. Please know you are not alone. Please do reach out for support and for any help you might need. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. I can recommend any of the AA programs (AA, Alanon, ACOA) and NAMI. I am sure there are others programs/services available in your community. A family intervention may or may not be in the cards at any given time. Even so, make sure you are taking care of yourself.
I never stopped loving my dad.
I know how much he loved me, as he could show me in the periods where he was "better." I know how devastated he was that his life had progressed down such an unhealthy path. He always felt like he had more time to make the decision to seek help. I am sorry to write that this is not always the case. He'd rejected the help he had needed until his life was such a mess, his assault record was overwhelming to him, he had lost the right to have his family in the same house with him, he could not stay sober, he was chronically physically ill from the effects of years of alcoholism, he could not see a way out of his overwhelming pain. I am sure he would want his story to help anyone to seriously seek the help s/he may need.
Somewhere underneath it all, he was still the "nicest guy," the fun- loving guy and the guy who would give you the shirt off his back if ever you were in need.
I am lucky to have known him in that light before he became so ill. He has my forgiveness. He has my undying love and my eternal gratitude for his love and for all his life has taught me.
He left me with at least one gift : They say I have his sense of humor.
I thoroughly enjoy it!
Love and Healing to ALL!
