It sounds like you feel frustrated, rejected and defensive, or even judged. It must be really hard to deal with that, and with him shutting down. Let me summarise the key issues, as they seem to come across in your letter:

- The two of you find it hard to communicate on any sensitive topics, or really resolve any issues, without you getting upset and him shutting down.
- You feel unwanted and perhaps unloved, not just because of the lack of sex but also because of not spending quality time or connecting enough. You feel that he doesn't make enough time for you and that you are not valued in the relationship.
- You feel like he judges your sex drive and your sexual needs, and that makes you feel very defensive and angry.

Those are all super valid concerns and you deserve to have your needs met. What HE will probably see, when he reads that letter, is a lot of accusation and judgement, and no real space for him to respond with what's hurting him and how it could be made better. As it's phrased now, it probably won't break the pattern that you two are in. You're doing something that I often do, unfortunately: going on the attack rather than being receptive and vulnerable. Anger is so much stronger a feeling than rejection and hopelessness. So I have 2 suggestions:

1. Soften your approach. Phrase the letter using "I feel" phrases, taking ownership of how you're hurting, and make sure you ask him open questions. Take out the ultimatums for now. You can have limits in your own head, of course, but they don't usually help if you're trying to open a line of communication. Be prepared to be a bit vulnerable, if you really want to connect over this. Yes, he could hurt you, but if you attack him you'll end up with the same issues as before and you'll get hurt anyway.

Everything you said in that letter sounded valid and well-though-out. But if I were him, I'd be feeling inadequate , defensive, pressured, and reading it would make me feel worse. There's a huge social pressure on men to be these virile, horny teenagers while simultaneously being in touch with their emotions. He probably feels like he's failing on all fronts right now, and as a result is shutting down completely and starting to resent you.

Either you want to prove that you're right, or you want to actually have honest and constructive communication about it. You can't have both.

2. Take time to think about what else is going on in your relationship, and be ready to explore that before (if) the sex problem is dealt with. Sex is often the canary in the mineshaft - it goes off the rails when something else isn't working. As you so rightly said, sex represents closeness and connection, intimacy, support, acceptance, interest, excitement, vulnerability.... if you don't have that going for you already, it's unlikely you're going to be able to manufacture it. There is nothing less sexy than feeling obligated to have sex. IF you can be bothered to stick around, you may have to be prepared to take sex off the table for a bit while you work on the rest.