An alter long dorment... has decided to have her voice heard...

It is making my life unbearable... so so much concentrated pain.. enough to double a person over in gut wrenching.. spasms...

When "I"... feel the words... and the "blame" that has been heaped on me.. thru the years... I want to hurt myself.. to punish me...

My abusive husband...who battered me...
My boss... when I told him I was going thru a divorce - he had to know.. because it impacted my on-call schedule... he asked "why".. so I told someone for the first time..him..

he said "are you sure that it isn't something you guys do.. for like kinky sex... for foreplay">>>> saying "people like to fight sometimes - you know to get in the mood" and... finally - "you must have liked it or you would have divorced him sooner - you wouldn't have waited 12 years"...

The impact of those words... still roam around my head... my responsiblity for my husband hitting me... raping me...my blame.. my fault...

It makes.. me want to hurt me....

will there never be peace... except for oppiting.. out of this life???

does no one understand???