To be honest I’m not really sure why my psychiatrist reacted the way she did. Maybe she just didn’t want to scare me? I told her everything he’s said, from having fantasies to admitting that he’s thought of me while doing something sexual. It’s kinda crazy-making how different her response was from nearly everyone here. I don’t even know what to think anymore.

Today I tried to talk to him about how my sexual feelings towards him are still there and bothering me, but I don’t feel like it helped at all. It’s like he doesn’t understand how distressing it is for me to want more with my therapist, while simultaneously needing him to remain safe. I feel like what I really need to tell him is that I think he messed up in sharing so much with me—but I’m terrified to do that. I also know it’s my fault because I asked him, so I can’t really complain. I know why he did it and I don’t think he had bad intentions. He wanted to model honesty and show that “thoughts are just thoughts,” and we aren’t bad for simply having thoughts. I don’t think I was in a good place emotionally to be able to handle hearing so much honesty from him though. It’s left me confused and made me question things a lot. I still trust him and don’t believe he would ever allow anything psychical to happen, but idk. I want to tell him this so bad, but then there’s part of me that doesn’t want to shut it down in case he shares more personal thoughts about me. I want to know more, even though I know I shouldn’t.