I have conflicted feelings AND guilt. When things are good, it makes it that much harder for me to want to leave him, BUT those times are just a snapshot of the whole, and when I look at the WHOLE picture, the HISTORY and patterns of behavior, I feel I MUST leave him. And all the while, I feel guilty for secretly planning a divorce, but I see no other way to go about this. I DO NOT WANT A LIVING HELL FOR THE NEXT 8-10 MONTHS WHILE I SAVE MONEY. I do NOT want to ask for an in-house separation for the next year. I cannot live OR be OK that way. Our apt set up does not easily support a separation. It would be too difficult, if not impossible.

I am very anxious today, and nearly every day.