I just read your other thread. Again.


About him restraining you. In my book that is physically abusive. Think about it. You want to get up. He is stronger and so prevents you from leaving. ONLY because he is stronger...so he is using force. I am also sorry to say...this could be testing your boundaries.


This is a very new relationship. Perhaps this sort of testing could go on for awhile...but I think eventually...it could move on to something more sinister.

I think this whole thing of you wanting to move on is rushing forward at a fast pace.


For instance...when my ex and I decided we would eventually separate...neither of us told anyone. For over a year. But you have already told all the significant people in your life. Except him. I personally could never have pulled that off. I could never have stayed with my ex under those circumstances.


You said in the other thread you had a social life together etc. But you haven't been together that long. Will it be that painful to lose it?


My ex and I were together 25 years. When we separated he said, "I am taking back all my friends. Don't contact them." One or two of them contacted me...but it seemed like he forced them to take his side. This is the kind of crap that makes divorce hell.


I am not going to address your finances. It is almost always complex. I don't want to go there.

What is most disturbing to me is his use of restraint. This is so not okay and it is the only thing I feel I must adamantly address. It is so not okay. You have come to accept it...but non-consensual physical restraint is never okay. Second to that is racial, sexist remarks. Not okay. NEVER OKAY.


Your guy acts like an Alpha male but he isn't really because he isn't there financially. My ex was Alpha but backed it up with a high-powered career, advanced education, ability to provide etc.


It seems like this bothers you, too.

As far as what will happen to you after this divorce. Anything can happen. You might meet someone. You might be alone and lonely. As for me I would rather be alone and lonely than to be in a relationship where I am not wholly loved and respected.

I think self-care is a good way to go. During our pre-separation my ex and I both started to drink a lot. I didn't like it. I decided to stop drinking and I went to a nearby AA meeting. I didn't consider myself an alcoholic but I was curious about AA, and I wanted support while quitting drinking, especially because my ex had no intention to stop drinking. Well, I found a wild and wooly and super fun group! I stopped drinking and every week I'd bake for the meeting (I had a certificate in French pastry cooking) and the meeting kept growing bigger and bigger because my cakes gained a reputation. So I'd bake cakes and go off to the meeting where everyone was always laughing and joking and I stayed sober. It was beautiful.


Smoking at almost 50??? Not good. Perhaps consider going on a health kick...go to yoga class...go kayaking with that friend...quit smoking and drinking. Join a meditation center.

I will admit your situation kind of triggers me. It's messy and that is just about right. These things are never neat and clean. It's messy, sad, and even potentially dangerous.

I would like to make a suggestion. I think when you come on here you might consider keeping the spotlight on you. I mean...that "list" in your other thread about him...really got to me. But you are still married...AND...this guy is still in the dark about your intentions. In a way it creates...a bit of bad karma. I mean that he doesn't know but everyone else and the world knows.


No one here can tell you what to do about him. But I think everyone here would agree we can support you in maintaining your sanity, self-esteem, and health.

I still get pretty triggered about my divorce...but then...that relationship encompassed most my young adult and adult life. And with co-parenting you never get free.

You will be free. And you will be sad. And you will have hope. Because you do. And you are. Hope.