Quote:
Originally Posted by DechanDawa
If I get triggered it is my responsibility to take a break or do whatever I need to do to de-escalate my emotional state. So no need to apologize. Please don't apologize. I probably meant I was observing that about myself because I was writing really long comments with TMI.
I AM sorry for saying you were telling everyone but him. I think I might have perceived it that way but it was not factually accurate, so thank you for setting me straight on that.
Mmm, on the weed, I was commenting because...not because I had the same concerns as Divine...but...I don't think I made myself at all clear on this issue. One thing is...my experience has been...that daily weed smoking makes one less emotionally available. Yes, the person may be calmer and more relaxed. But I am talking more about emotional intimacy. However, these are my thoughts and really have nothing to do with your situation. Again, I observe when I post a lot or post long comments it indicates I might be triggered...and thereby might not be the best support at that moment.
I am sorry if I in any way caused you more distress. Your situation is very difficult.
I think you are being thoughtful, emotionally present, and most of all you are clearly communicating.
I went overboard with my comments and I am really, really sorry.
Perhaps communicating is helping you...and I for one would like to restrain myself from commenting, you know, blah, blah, blah so boring how I go on...but rather would just like to offer you support. I want to acknowledge that you are in a difficult situation. And I think it is right that you are moving cautiously.
Also...about the restraint thing. You did mention he had a bad back so for now, at least, it seems you won't have to worry about that. Also...I am wondering...are we all jumping to conclusions here? Maybe it is just a bad habit. I think your plan of saying something in the moment if/when it happens again is a good plan.
We are in an era when so much is suspect, right?
I think perhaps the best thing is to look at it all holistically...that is...is this disrespect...or...perhaps bad habits? Or...is it about control? I don't think my ex rages at his new wife. I think he didn't like how I was confrontive and challenging. I think often men will pick more docile partners the second time around if they had a chsllenging partner.
I am not saying you are challenging him. But maybe he developed this style...as a defense.
IDK. I am just babbling now. I find men very hard to read.
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It's OK, and I fully understand triggers. And thank you for your support!
Abuse is always about power and control over another. So the physical restraint is about control and power... he feels powerless in his own life and so he needs to exert power over me.
And yes, his ex perhaps may have been more challenging to him, but I really do not know. I have never spoken to her and I have never met her. She sounded toxic too, however, though of course it's all based on what he tells me. She is/was an angry alcoholic, I do know that much. And she caused many ugly scenes in front of his friends, so I know that is true. She even chased one of his friends out of their home, literally. They all say she was a total nightmare. But then again, so is he! I think they were both entirely toxic together.
But with me? I've put down my foot numerous times about the yelling and raging at me, and it did get better somewhat for six months, even though there were still fights occurring. And he has been better about some issues that I've insisted upon him changing, yet the toxic behaviors still occur, nonetheless.
And the weed? It may make him more emotionally distant from me, but it's not my problem anymore to fix or resolve. I don't even care since I plan on leaving him. It's HIS problem. It's his addiction, and it's not my problem anymore.
All I care about now is maintaining my mental health, getting strong and staying sane while I am still with him, while planning my exit strategy.
And yes, about the physical restraint -- yes, I will mention that it needs to stop, the next time he does this.
He also physically will block my way when I am trying to move past him. Another intimidation tactic to exert control and power over me.
I am seeing everything now through the lens of abuse, power and control. That's why I say it's textbook abuse.