I can't even explain what is going on in my head. There's so much stuff. I can't imagine in like 20 years when I'm 40 something - How much stuff will be haunting me with OCD.

Sometimes I wonder if my psychosis delusions with good insight is actually OCD with bad insight - But how would that explain paranoia that I had?

The only reason that I accepted the schizophrenia diagnosis was because of the negative symptoms - Which seem better.. But I still have lack of focus, self isolate, can't do things. The psychedelic trip made me way more open minded that I don't feel like gaining much knowledge and become



Ah it's all messed up. I try to use labels to help me - But there's so many things that can help me. I don't want to be married, have kids, have a job that I hate and I want to have the best life as I can - Yet I self I still tend to self medicate. I have interest in fixing my mind, understanding the world - I'm really smart in some ways but really not in other ways.

I'm just venting.. I'm gonna read today even though I'm not feeling the greatest. Feeling defeated for setting myself up for failure with that routine - And I'm completely aware that I did that to myself. Hope can cause pain until it gets better - It just leads to more hope and not giving up constantly.