Quote:
Originally Posted by SnappingRope
How do you know if you're psychotic? I'm not sure if I have been or not. There are things I believe that no one else seems to, but those beliefs don't come and go. They're always there, and just become more central sometimes. I hear voices and see things I know aren't real because they disappear. Lots of other strange things happen from time to time. But I'm not sure any of that counts as psychotic.
For me 'psychosis' refers to something different (maybe mistakenly). There's an insanity that's infinitely terrifying which threatens to swallow me. It's always there, lingering in the subconscious, and this me speaking now will die if that insanity gets me. Not only this me, but this body also. There is so much fear it will stop my heart.
I don't think it ever got me, but sometimes I realize I don't know where I am or how I got there, so I can't say for sure. If what people call psychosis is the same as the insanity that stalks me I feel really sorry for people who get thrown right into it. I'd kill myself rather than face it full on.
Is that how it is for others?
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Your account of your experiences sound very frightening and painful.
I am very sorry you encounter such overwhelming symptoms.
You do clearly underscore the depth of the pain involved when you mention you might feel tempted to take your life under more intense episodes.
This has to be very trying, no doubt at all. Yet, please do make a pact with yourself, your therapist (if you work with one) and/or with a family member or friend. Make an agreement and a plan with them, in case you ever feel so overwhelmed.
In reality, you should not have to lose your life in order to escape the terror and the pain.
Please do make a "survival" plan, listing the steps you'll need to take in order to preserve your life and to become well.
I am very sorry for your pain.
