Yes, I often give people the benefit of the doubt and this is, most likely, a very good missed opportunity. I can hear Pdoc in my head telling me “see, listen to them!” . In the past T has handled ruptures much better. He did admit to getting pulled into my fear with H and not being able to keep his professional distance. He is thankful that Pdoc is comfortable taking over the bulk of that issue.

The adjustment to teletherapy and then back to in person but with masks/socially distant really screwed up the process that had been working SO well for us. He (unconsciously) challenged me to work within the “new normal” he/CDC defined and I was asking to find our “new normal” together and find middle ground. He did admit that he just accepts discomfort and “good enough” especially when it comes to safety (COVID) where as I acknowledge the limits but find my own road. This seems to be an ongoing dance with us that is far more uncomfortable for him than it is for me. When his/CDC way didn’t work for me he gave up and was just supporting and not doing therapy (which he fully admitted) which made him uncomfortable. My last email before Monday’s session I stated very clearly that I had no intentions of wasting this session on support and gave a list of things to work on as well as compromises on things he stoped doing because of COVID that I need. He did find a way to bring back everything except sitting on the couch (that area of his office is much more compact so staying 6ft away would be tricky if not impossible). So I am hopeful that having this most recent session truly be therapy and not just support will get things back on track... I know, there is that pesky optimism again.

For the boundaries I had suggested that if he was worried about just being a support and not doing therapy then BE a support and DON’T do therapy... let me come down to the office and work on the gardening with you or other things where I can give back by helping and just be around a healthy person. He, rightfully, put a quick NO on that one and said he could not professionally see any way that would be OK even though he totally understands my point and my need (which he elaborated on enough to assure me that he did). We have talked in the past about running into eachother in public (which we have and are likely to again). And he clarified that we might have a brief conversation, especially in one setting, he would NOT stand there and be having a 10 minute conversation with me... it would be brief.

What I saw and felt in session was that since the start of the COVID crap we had started interacting more and more like friends than therapist/client. When I went off on him about the bad session it really brought a lot of that into the room. He has stepped up to be more professional again. Yes, at times it made him feel very cold to me. In the end I felt relief though.

I REALLY appreciate everyone’s feedback. I still think I am with the right T for me AND I know I can be too accommodating and willing to find reasons rather than get angry. Pdoc was glad I was as angry with him as I was but even she said she hoped I felt safe enough to get really pissed with him regardless of why or even if it didn’t have anything to do with him. She said it was even OK to get mad at him for not being what I need (where we were before COVID) she didn’t give a s* if it was because of COVID or not!