In my recent session I started talking about how it must be painful for anyone to see me when I was very unwell with anorexia, and my T told me that it wasn't very nice for her to see me at that state being so underweight. Her tone felt like she was hurt, and it reminded me of how our relationship was last year when I had a really bad relapse. I remember once I wore tight clothes, like a fitted t-shirt and leggings, and she stared at me the whole session in agony, and I can see she was very worried, and concerned. She even gave me her personal number, and told me to call her if I ever needed to talk. I had to terminate therapy for a while with her as things got too bad and I had to hospitalised. I sensed that she felt kind of helpless of helping me, and I don't know.

I started seeing her again after I got out of treatment, this time our relationship were better. I trusted her more, and I opened up more. But I still wonder how she is effected when I was so ill. It couldn't have been easy for her as she literally saw me deteriorated from a healthy weight to painfully thin in a few months time, and I wasn't getting better. I am working in mental health myself, and I know sometimes I can't just go home not think about my patients, and I know there's boundaries but we are human too, and I do care about my patients.