I am not sure what to do. I have a lot of issues, a lot. Although I think I am fairly attractive woman, because of this issues I have really extremely hard time to get into relationship, any kind, friendship, sexual, life partner, boyfriend... anything. I always felt something is seriously wrong with me. I have asked for help many times, I have been to many therapists, taken meds, nothing ever worked... That is just an intro.
At age 47 now I have one friend. One. He is my best friend and a lover, and only person I can talk to and I can relate and who can relate to me. You think I have it tough? It gets worse. I love him, really, he is a good person, good-heart, nice, intelligent, funny, sweet... but he has issues too. And a lot. But he never asks for help, he doesn't want to and he doesn't see his problems as serious as I do. But it affects us as couple a lot. Since I am a loner, I could be happy if we could spent few days or even one day a week together, even less. That would be enough for me. I work a lot, have very little free time, I need a lot of lone time for me, but it would be great to see someone I truly love sometimes. We are together for long long time, at first while we were young we managed to have alone time once a week, sometimes twice. But in last few years, it got more and more rare, and it's not because of me. I won't go into details, he has problems at home, serious problems, he is not married, he takes care of his very sick, parents, which saps every drop of energy and free time he has. While it is noble from him to do so, nature of their illnesses is such it can take years and years of such care and I can see him seriously declining in every aspect. Psychologically and physically, he is falling apart. Of course, he doesn't see that, but I see that. His parents demand all of his time, energy and care. It's devastating situation without any relief.
Our relationship of course, is suffering terribly. He barely finds hour or two a week for us, to walk together on streets. We don't see each other alone ever. He seems happy with this arrangement, I am starting to get seriously depressed. I can see he looks like a shadow of himself, he is falling apart, there is nothing left for me. I can't help him in any way, and even if I could he wouldn't let me. We are never alone anymore. I see him in hurry, I have to move everything for those two hours a week and I am starting to feel irrationally angry, depressed, alone and rejected. He says those hours are a great deal for him, and helps him cope, but I feel under pressure, I have to free those hours to see him, it's not always easy or even possible, if I can't I don't see him that week.
I see him in worse shape every week, I see him less and less, we are never alone or intimate (I doubt he even has strength) and I feel more and more depressed, alone and sad. I tried to have more friends, believe me, but people just don't like me. Men mostly just want to have sex with me, but I need intimacy and love for that. I can't I wish I could without that, but I am just built that way. And I can't leave one and only friend I have. But this is ruining me too. I feel also angry at his parents for not seeing what this does to him. I fear he will die before them. This is all devastating to me, but he is extremely attached to them and I know I am selfish but I feel like I deserved more after so many many years. Like I am put on waiting forever, maybe for years, and I feel too old, too tired, and to sad to find another friend let alone lover. Sometimes, I just want to leave forever, somewhere far away and leave everything. But of course, because of this pandemic, I can't even do that. I just want someone to be with me, and to care, why is that so hard?