I am 26f and am having a confusing, exciting, scary emotional experience and thought it might help to write about it here. My roommate is 46f and openly bisexual. Before the pandemic we became fairly close friends and shared a lot of intimate details about our lives with each other, had many deep conversations, etc. (btw this is not the first time I’ve had an older female platonic friend). My roommate went away for a while during the quarantine and it gave me a lot of time to think. I realized some things, one being that I’m very curious about what it would be like to be with girls/women. I also realized that I’d been fantasizing about her for a while in the very back of my mind and admitted to myself that she’s even been in my dreams in an intimate way. Well, ever since I was honest with myself about this, the fantasy has become full blown. She’s back home now and we’re spending every moment of the day together. I’m coming to terms with the fact that this is a CRUSH. And the problem is that I’m mentally punishing myself for it. How could I let this happen? How could I be so silly and ridiculous? My roommate? My close girl friend? Someone this much older than me? But I’ve realized that actually nothing about this is shameful and everything I’m feeling is natural, maybe even beautiful. Getting past feeling weird, stupid, naive, etc. is super important for me right now. I’m terrified of being rejected or embarrassed or feeling patronized. I’m terrified of doing too much or too little. I’m paranoid that the idea of us together romantically or sexually would just CRAZY and LAUGHABLE to her. And unfortunately I feel this way any time I have feelings for a person. It’s usually not based in any kind of reality (she’d never want to hurt me or make me feel these things even if the feeling wasn’t mutual) but I just always have this deep seated paranoia that I’m a laughable moron. She again, is bi and has dated many women in the past. She is currently single and I know she loves me very much at least as a friend and has expressed how beautiful she thinks I am. We talk all the time about how sexually and emotionally oblivious men can be and how we’re tired of them. I’m scared, as this is the first time I’ve had feelings for a woman, and for a friend. It’s uncharted territory in many ways. I’m also realizing that I may have a thing for older women. I don’t want it to be that I’m just using her as a character in my personal erotic fantasy..but I really do love her. So I believe it’s more than that. I’m really bad at showing affection and while I’m scared of being obvious I am also so worried about being awkward or not showing my feelings at all and regretting it later on. I have no idea how to begin to “talk about it” or “express my feelings.” The idea really scares me and I’d have no idea what to do or say. I’d so appreciate any opinions or tips or personal stories to help me with this crazy thing I’m going through.