FAST! That is how I go to feeling quite blue. 62 is where I just placed on the the site's depression test.

This is just about the quickest toss into the pit I have ever had. Unlike most past depressions, it was triggered by life events. Life mistakes. I don't know if fast down means a fast up, or what.

I don't know exactly how to read the rules about suicidal ideation. Does that mean not acting out? Does that mean not saying you are doing this? I am not even sure how to define it.

I am strong enough to NOT do anything like act out suicide. What is bothering me are the intruding thoughts of the relief of being hit by a bus or other accident. I am strong enough, and motivated enough to weather the storm, but it is a nasty one.

Please don't tell me how "blessed" I am! I KNOW this. It is like telling someone obese they are fat. DUH! It is not helpful. I look forward to the time when I feel blessed, but it sure ain't now that it is happening. Scientists can stir up all the ingredients of a living cell in a tube, but it won't come to life. My life's ingredients are right for happiness, but it is not working out that way. Instead, it is **** soup.

This morning is crummy. Last night was horrible. Yesterday morning I actually felt pretty good. If today goes down as did yesterday, I am in trouble. Last night was so bad I was pretty close to calling myself in as a psych emergency.

You folks at the other end of this electron stream have been so valuable in the past. I am hanging on the line for a few words now and then from you once again.