my ptsd is up to the max here. i'm not even showing myself online on friends sites atm, i'm hidden. hidden on msn etc too.

why?

the cops are constantly checking on me, friends are constantly checking on me. i'm grateful but at the same time...it's keeping everything constantly at the front of my mind. (why have my friends humor suddenly gone out the window, oh for humor to distract my mind!)

i don't want to eat any more. it's illogical but i think if i shrink i'm less likely to be noticed by weirdos.

i don't want to sleep coz i'm a deep sleeper and if something kicks off...i'm not gonna jump too in time enough maybe. also illogical yes?

and i so stupidly and desperately just wanna get drunk or high...to block it all out for a while...but i ain't stupid enough to go there without a fight!

grrrrrrrrrrrr...feck...grrrrrrrrrrrr!