Wow - I can't believe I missed this thread before. I don't have an adultery problem in my marriage, but a lot of your wife's resistance and coping skills sound like my husband's. I've been to a lot of support groups online and in real life for how to deal with a depressed/severely anxious spouse, but you are the first person who seems to be exactly on the same wavelength as I am, regarding love vs boundaries, compassion vs not being a doormat. It's a struggle, no matter what - I am a very strong person but I honestly don't know what to do some days - nothing seems to make a difference.

Thanks for sharing all of this - your posts and the responses have been really helpful to me. I will continue to watch your posts and support you as best I can, given that I'm in a similar boat.