Since the only real relationship I've ever been in ended about 2 years ago, I've been afraid of never having the opportunity to date again or at least having enough friendships/connections to make up for not dating again. I mean, once my parents pass away, I won't have any family left, so no having emergency contacts, spending holidays alone, no beneficiary for my life insurance, having the fear of if something goes wrong financially I'll be living on the streets. At best it could be lonely (I really miss having holiday traditions and I haven't really had much since I became an adult outside of being in a relationship). I also think about retirement and how I really couldn't retire if I lived alone as it would eventually be unhealthy for me.

This isn't a case that I need to be in love or something. I dislike romance and have often wondered if I'm not aromantic (though not asexual...I'm definitely bisexual). This is more about me thinking about practical and financial issues. Also, as much as you can get some emotional support from friends, it feels immoral to ask for much as their emotional energy should go towards their spouses and family first and foremost. The point is, my needs for intimacy aren't met just by having friends. I also just moved to a new area away from the people I know so I won't get to see them in person very often anymore and have to start over trying to develop friendships/closer relationships with people. And maybe I won't be able to develop anything past an acquaintance here. Who knows.

I have had several instances where I realized that I had no one to call or that I don't really have family (certainly none that live within several hours of where I live) and it was rather humiliating, especially when others seem surprised because it is so unusual. Especially since I want to have some sort of "family" (even if it isn't the traditional sort). And even though it's silly and probably shameful, I have always had a strong desire to find a long-term/life partner. If not only for the financial and practical reasons, but for companionship and to have holiday traditions and maybe even a family! (a partner's parents, siblings etc. of course count).

And it's not like I've even dated several people and just haven't found the right match...I struggle so much even finding a date. In my adult life, I've only really been in one relationship. Online dating doesn't work for me...I don't even really know how to approach it. I'm not cisgender or heteronormative so there are less viable online options for me...and most are more hook-up oriented and I have a lot of anxiety around sex for the aforementioned reason (as in while I know how it works scientifically, I don't understand how it works for me personally). It all just makes me feel so unattractive and unlovable and it seems my options are to pretend that I was born with the right body parts and I am indeed that type of person or I guess come to terms with being an undesirable.