It is quite hard to explain. It is rather that I'm trying to get in touch with the little piece of myself that still lingers inside. It's the part that had a whole different idea about life. It is also the part that succumbed after 4 years of brute pressure and emotional abuse. I am not mad at myself (anymore), somethimes I think I held out pretty long, but I am mad at my parents for wanting a child and then not wanting to accept that the child did not turn out what they expected in the first place. And mostly for trying to force me into something that would be a burden and prevent me from becoming happy for all my life. And for completely crushing me in the process.

It's a complex thing and most therapists only get it after a month or two. I'm kind of like an avocado: the seed is who I was up to +/- 15 years old and the fruit is what my parents wanted me to be ... I'd like to become just seed. Pfff, finding good metaphores is hard