I had an amazing session with my t on Thursday. I finally talked about the root of my addictive behaviors, and that is I was yelled at for curiosity and was never exposed to sex until I was an adult! I didn't even know what I was doing what the name was. I learned that the depression started from feeling shame and hiding the behavior from my family, as I felt dirty doing what I did. Yet it was normal curiosity. And I felt lonely after moving to a new State in the USA, away from family. I was happy for the first few years of my life, and I didn't understand why I had to move. I think I thought I did something to cause my parents to decide to move, but deep down I knew it would be bad. I knew I would miss my cousins. The first year we went down to see them 5 times. After that it lessened.

Ever since this discovery, my mood has improved, because I understand where the depression/addiction started. I know that I need to make better connections, but I'm scared. I don't want my addiction to be triggered when I start to be more social. I don't even know if I have the skills I need to be successful. I will be getting more help on an outpatient basis. I'm excited, yet I'm scared to change.

I read today about a friend's journey over the last few years. What I learned was you can be in a miserable place and change can still happen. It requires work, and consistent effort. I need a plan.i spent today working on a plan, but found it may not be what I want. I don't know what I want in life.

I have been told what to do, and now I want to find out for myself. But I don't want to disappoint my family. Their approval means a lot to me, and I don't know why?! I need to not be a fence sitter, half in, half out. I've been that way for 6 years. I was angry for part of that time because of something I couldn't control.

I've learned a lot this week. And it wasn't easy. I have a lot of work to do. And I know I can't let fear stop me.