I'm breaking down deeply and my identity and ego are being obliterated. I enjoy it though. I only like pain within reason.. Eh I might as well just write a long post... Where do I start?..

Everything I know is all I know. It's different from other people. There's bad people that run the world - And I seek to understand the whole thing. But I don't have the brain power or willpower.. But why?

I find it hard to relax and sit still. It's been like this since I was a child - But give me a competition (Like with the smartest kid in the class) and I could focus like crazy on just plain numbers that I didn't understand the meaning of - Just how to use them. I'm reading a book about mathematics and geometry in relation to reality - And so far I've read a bit and starting to understand.

Everything is in my own pace. I think I might be the hardest person on my self than anyone in the world is on their self - Which means that I think I'm the least hardest on myself. I have bad OCD - It's crazy. I was first diagnosed with OCD before schizophrenia. Maybe it is just completely pure obsessive OCD... But they're just labels.

If people have told me all my life that I was smart and I was praised for doing things so easily, I don't feel the need to show anyone in the world what I can do. I haven't went through enough pain to grow - So I'm sitting here, unaccomplished in anything but fighting the abuse, brainwashing and manipulation from authority figures (Including mostly ex my step dad) in my head - While having my real parents praise me - I was confused and didn't understand. That and the isolation from avoidant personality - Being too modest to think that I need to break the barrier of fitting in with anyone due to fear of being hurt.

I can't imagine how people's brains just function without 12 hours of sleep that they're able to stay up all night and read or watch a movie without having that feeling of novelty like "Well, I've done enough - I feel accomplished - Because I mostly failed at the same time". Try day by day little by little - But the world has put pressure on me, - as well as my parents dying soon, fear of going insane and being admitted to the psych ward, ending up in a group home all connected to not being able to advocate for myself is my worst fear. And I can't think about suicide - But I think about it occasionally. I made a rule for myself to just fight for the death at this point because there's something really deep that I believe in in - And that's myself. The asexuality (Which is really hard for people to understand because it's rare - Especially when I say that I know what attractiveness is in both genders), my ability to be compassionate easier than others because of empathy, my experiences, my certain special strengths, my suffering, my potential, my weird sense of humour, acceptance of who I am, how I'm positive and want to always lift people up - Even in my darkest of times, wanting good for everything and to explain myself to the world truthfully.

I heard one person saying today that "People that don't contribute to society should be executed". I've heard another person say that too from a different source. The way I think of it is.. 1. Amount of money, 2. Quality of life.. If 1 is lower than 2 compared to another person where 2 is higher than 1, isn't that what the cast system in India is all about or rather, what life is about? - It can go either ways compared to everyone else in a whole society - But these people have a point.

It brings me back to the drug war and "Heroin addicts deserve to die - It's natural selection", "Prostitutes made a choice" - But it's all the necessary brew that made up the evil in this world - Drug war being racist, sex being a religious taboo.. Although I find it weird how people are so obsessed with the way they look, myself included - Maybe life is just procreate and die? And I want to skip procreation and just wait to die? No. No. No. I can see past ALL of the ******** that society and culture is trying to condition me to be.. That's why I'm considered to have schizophrenia maybe. It's all connected. "I think schizophrenia is the absence of cultural expectation" - Terence Mckenna.

People want to be clean, messy - Clean is attractive and logical to some people and messy is repulsive and creative to some people - For me I'm trying to organize an extremely disorganized mind. Maybe I need to trip again if I want to get another head start - Still underdeveloped than anyone else. Apparently my brain is finished developing at age 25 - They told my I will be able to stop my antipsychotic by then - So doesn't this all tie into the identity and ego thing, decision making, culture and reality? There's definitely a connection that I can't articulate properly - But I'm putting all of my faith in staying strong and that's literally what I live and die for - The sociopath/borderline/narcissistic trash talking people helped me in a way because I always seek these things out, learning from the dark side and my suffering.