I'm not even sure what I'm asking here, but I can't talk to anyone IRL about this and I need to talk to someone who's "been there, done that".

I've been in therapy for about 6 months - my first time ever going to therapy. The reason I decided to go was because I grew up in a very abusive, alcoholic home, and now I'm the caretaker/emotional support person for my abuser (my mom - my dad died 4 years ago this Saturday of cancer).

When I started therapy, I really thought all I would talk about was my mom. I knew I had other "issues" from my past, but didn't really think they still affected me, although I had never sought help for them before. I was violently raped (although I've never been able to say that word out loud, even in therapy) by an ex-boyfriend when I was 19. It was very violent, and very scary, and I realized in therapy that I couldn't just ignore that it had happened. So, we've talked about some, but there's a lot left to be said still.

In the past couple of weeks, there have been a lot of memories coming up about something that happened to me when I was six. This is hard to explain - I always knew that it had happened, it wasn't like I forgot it - but somehow, I always thought of it in a really factual way, like it was no big deal. I've never told anyone about it. Something in my mind seems to have shifted, or something, and I'm realizing what a big deal this thing is. I'm really sorry to type this, because I'm scared it might be triggering for someone, and I hope if it is, they aren't reading this thread. But, I was molested by a neighbor down the street during the winter when I was six. It was just one time, and I never told anyone. It wasn't violent - he just told me what to do, and I did it. I knew it was wrong, and I was bad, dirty, disgusting, ugly, etc. I really feel that way now.

I wrote a letter to my therapist and told him what happened. I gave it to him Monday at my appointment. It literally made me sick to do it. I locked myself in his bathroom and sat on the floor while he read it, and I haven't been able to eat since then. The feelings that have come up from telling feel like more than I can handle.

I've been sober for 3 years in a 12 step program, and I've totally screwed it up. Took a hydrocodone for a legitimate headache a couple of weeks ago and just keep taking more and more while this memory has been eating at me. I took some today. It totally numbs me up, and makes me feel better. But I KNOW that's not the right way to deal with this. ALL of my bad coping skills - numbing out, eating disorder stuff, etc - are back, and I don't know what to do. Between the rape, and this, and the mom stuff, it just feels like TOO MUCH. I'm going for an extra T appointment tomorrow, but I don't see how it will help. It can't change the past.

I'm 38, and I homeschool my three really cool little boys....but I feel like everything is just about to crumble around me. I just can't cope. It's just too much pain, and shame, and embarassment, and fear.

Can someone help me? How do I go on from here? I really need some help, and I'm ashamed to even be talking about this here, but it seems easier in faceless cyberspace than it would be in real life. I can't imagine talking about this to anyone in real life. I'm really scared.