To comment on what you said about "it's not her fault that she's ill" and on being humane - that's how I feel, too. In my husband's case, it's his fault that he resists efforts to help him, but I do have enormous amounts of compassion for him. He's going through 10x the pain and struggle that I am.

Doesn't mean it's easy on US, though.

I've often thought about the extreme version of tough love and throwing him out of the house, based on the notion that I've been making life "too easy" for him. But honestly, I fear that if I did, I would find him sleeping under a bridge on a cardboard box. Or worse. I don't know if I could live with myself if that happened - I don't want him to leave - I just want him to get better.