Hi everyone,

Been a while since I've posted, but alas I am back! Anyways...

I have struggled with romantic relationships since the time I was 13 (I am 26 now). After almost every single one ended, I would become suicidal. I would often threaten suicide or I would just become impulsive and hurt myself without fully thinking before acting. Most relationships were short lived. A month to three months on average. A couple were with girls that I was on and off with for almost two years. I have a knack for picking horrible people to be in a relationship with. I think it mostly has to do with the fact that I usually jump into relationships without getting to know the person well first.

Well, I cannot state everything I've been through without being extremely depressing. So, take that as a warning. Basically I have been through everything you can think of when it comes to bad relationships. I've been broken up with multiple times. I tend to be the heartbroken and not the heartbreaker because I stay in a relationship longer than I should. I know I should end it and I cannot. And then when it ends I fall apart. So...apart from that... I have been left for someone else multiple times, I have been cheated on multiple times, I have been verbally and physically abused multiple times, I have been lied to multiple times, etc. And there have been girls who would try to get to know me then decided they didn't want to commit or that they weren't interested. I think one of the worst things for me though is the biggest lie that they all told which was "I love you." The thing is...I didn't change...so they either never loved me or somehow fell out of love. But how can you fall out of love with someone who didn't change?!

All of these things pretty constantly haunt me. They tarnish my self esteem in terms of romance. I think I deserve a good person, but I don't believe I'm ever going to find them. People have a problem seeing me as more than a friend. And when they do, they don't for long. They're fickle and they leave. So, needless to say, I have enormous trust issues. I don't trust that anyone will ever love me romantically and stay loyal to me. Whenever I let my guard down, they screw me over. Still, I kept trying. And now...well....now I just don't feel like trying anymore. Maybe love isn't meant for me?

But what I'm really getting at is that I'd like to move forward from all this pain and trauma. I don't know where to start. I guess I'd like to forget about it or at least not have it weigh on me so much. It would be nice to, for example, have a break up where I can think about just that break up instead of "oh great here's another failed relationship" which is what causes me to be so suicidal. It's like compiled trauma at that point. It's all piled onto me and it's one big mess. So as soon as a break up happens, I'm thinking about all the other break ups before it. And I'm thinking I somehow deserve it...which I know is pretty irrational. But yet I still can't help thinking something is wrong with me.
And I have SO MUCH anger toward all of my ex's...for leaving...for being really crappy people, etc. I have this vengeful side of me. I'd never act on it, but as much as I still care for many of my ex's it's like part of me doesn't give a **** if they drop dead tomorrow because of how poorly they treated me. And why do I care about someone who treated me badly anyway?

This sort of thinking...this pining...this almost "pity party" doesn't serve me. I won't be able to move forward or open myself to love again if I don't find a way to process all this trauma.

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Where can I begin? How do I heal?