Have you shared all of this with a therapist? I am sorry as I can see this is painful for you just in reading what you share.

Also please know that during the teen years your piers were very fickle and most don’t have a clue what they want or what love really is. That’s why they call these relationships crushes because they tend to be so difficult. So you are carrying emotional pain that is based on other people that really did not have the maturity level to give you more consistent caring and devotion. Also all during the teen years so many hormonal changes are happening and that affects different teens in different ways especially in mood changes they don’t know what to do with. Not to mention the brain has a lot of developing to do yet.

Oh please don’t base your life on these years. You know maybe you should go and visit this age group so you can see how young this age really is. In many ways still just children. Certainly these children don’t warrant the power you still give them. They simply did not have the maturity.

With the guidance of a therapist it would greatly benefit you if you get to the root of your hurt that you crave another presence to relieve in you. This was something you had wanted from piers that did not have the mature capacity to help you with. You are still grieving that yet it was an unmet need you had before all of those relationships.

It’s important you find this out otherwise you will continue to experience this struggle with perceived rejection which can continue causing you more heartache. You deserve to heal and grow beyond these old hurts. You are old enough now to learn now.